A Letter to My Old Blog Friends
Dear Old Blog Friends,
For the last three months I have been silent on my previous four blogs with the exception of the occasional comment. If you’ve been wondering where I’ve been, you’re about to find out.
Several years ago I was in a pickle. Dill, not sweet. I was without a job with an ailing redhead and two boys who had a terribly expensive food addiction. Having no alternatives, I began writing. I wrote lots of things, at first religious and then technical, realizing I couldn’t make enough money writing just religious stuff.
(That’s worked out well, by the way, as it would be tough to get work writing for Christian publications given my current state of belief.)
I persevered and made a nice pile of money. Enough to live on comfortably, be generous with others, take vacations, pay for college, etc. I created and sold a couple web sites.
But I didn’t enjoy it. I did it, but it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing.
So over the last year or so I spent a good deal of time finding myself. Turns out I was under the sofa.
I came to a disturbing discovery. I wanted to start getting paid for writing funny.
In general I am an optimist. But I was not in any way optimistic about my ability to earn money writing funny stuff. I put up this site, put into it some things I knew would be necessary if I was going to make any money, and then was terrified to pursue it.
Even though I would tell everyone else—my kids, my friends, Hillary Clinton—to pursue their dreams, I was having trouble taking that advice myself.
It’s even hard to write this silly post.
So, today, I am publicly sucking it up and pursuing my dream of writing what I want to write and getting paid for it. I figure I need about 30K visitors a month to make my nut.
I promise to be funny if you promise to tell your friends.
And somehow, somewhere some advertisers will like me and decide to buy a spot on my blog, in my emails, in my RSS feed or all three.
And then I can afford to get that collectors edition Betty Paige blow-up doll I’ve been wanting.
Gun Pried from Charlton Heston’s Cold Dead Hand
The gun Charlton Heston had been holding onto since becoming president of the National Rifle Association was pried from his hand today immediately following his death and a brief body cooling period.
Surprisingly he had actually glued the gun to his hand with super glue and generous application of nail polish remover was required to preserve the rotting flesh on the corpse.
God, when asked for comment, issued this official statement:
Chuck was a great actor and a great friend. His portrayal of Moses was and continues to be a public relations home run for me. Take that Buddha!
Barack Obama: Now a Child Molester?
You wonder how things like this affect the way people vote. Do you think this was intentional–trying to associate child molestation with Barack Obama in people’s minds? It’s an interesting idea.
Personally I associate Barack Obama and freaky cool smoothness in my mind. But that’s just me.
Catholicism for the Retarded
Here is a photo of the label on a 33 1/3 LP designed to teach Catholic Doctrine to the retarded. Enjoy:
Barack Obama in a Turban? Thanks Hillary Clinton!
Here is a picture Hillary Clinton’s people have been circulating in Texas:
This is a real picture, but the story behind it is simple: While visiting Kenya in 2006 Obama was dressed as a Somali Elder.
This seems to be another attempt to bolster the claim Obama–a professing Christian–is actually a Muslim. Ignorance abounds in the masses, but it makes me wonder if Hillary (and her team) are the kind of people I want representing me. I haven’t chosen who I will vote for, but she knows better and chooses the moral low road anyway.
Hat tip to Drudge.
Homosexual Christian Backlash: God Hates Freds
Don’t You Wish This Was Photoshopped?
Fred Phelps has a problem.
His hate-mongering Westboro Baptist Church has been ordered to pay $5 million dollars for picketing funerals of dead soldiers, claiming their deaths were the result of God’s wrath on America for tolerating homosexuality. Just like the Bible says.
Now they plead poverty.
When Peter didn’t have money to pay his taxes, didn’t Jesus tell him a miraculously coincidental place to find it? Maybe that part of the Bible doesn’t apply any more.
Huckabee: Why Hasn’t He Quit?
Huckabee is out–or is he?
Right now McCain seems to have the Republican nomination wrapped up. He is so far ahead in the delegate race there is no way Huckleberry can collect enough to win.
Unless…
Unless McCain dies, or McCain gets embroiled in a campaign ending scandal or…
The secular media just can’t understand: “But what are the chances? What are the chances either of these will happen? What rational person keeps going with such small odds?”
Who? A fundamentalist Christian, that’s who.
You can understand Huckleberry’s stubbornness only if you first understand the power of unwavering belief in a sovereign higher power.
Huckleberry believes unwaveringly that God directs the affairs of men. That no one comes to power (even Bill Clinton) without God ordaining it. I can almost guarantee in his mind he is thinking several possible outcomes to his candidacy:
- McCain my drop out of the race due to scandal or medical problems, leaving him (and Rue Paul) the only contenders
- McCain may be forced by evangelicals to adopt Huckleberry as his running mate
- …and if Huckleberry becomes the veep, he may be
hopingprayingthinking McCain’s death in office would make him the POTUS - His candidacy will provide the moral compass the Republicans need and, while he ends up not on the ticket, he will be seen by God and history as one who moved the world for God
A Baptist pastor who decides being a Pastor is not a big enough venue for his ego but goes on to become an astute politician and Governor, then goes on to organize a machine that takes him into Presidential consideration is a world class narcissist. Just watch.
Update:
CNN totally doesn’t get it:
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/24/huckabee.snl.ap/index.html
Christian Sex Porn: Your Sister in Christ
Mercedes obviously is gifted by God and wants to share her gifts. In fact, the gifts displayed above are available for purchase (it’s a 114 photo set!) for just $20 at her Legs-Stockings-Garters website, now celebrating her 10th year online!
But it is refreshing to see while she is selling her body, she is also sharing Christ. Yup. Here are a couple close ups from this picture:
John McCain Affair: Out Call Half and Half $300+
The current John McCain affair scandal has two parts–two very distinct parts:
- Did McCain have an affair with Vicki Iseman, a lobbyist?
- Did McCain give Iseman’s clients special consideration?
Now in my book if McCain is LITERALLY getting into bed with a lobbyist, that’s a major betrayal of public trust. After all, we limit the gifts elected officials can receive to $50 or less, and last time I checked an in-call half and half in D.C. runs $300.00 and up.
But Republican pundits are doing something interesting–they are completely ignoring whether McCain had an affair with a lobbyist and are instead claiming “he never gave Iseman’s clients special consideration.” In fact, pundits are quick to point out the “many” non-specific occasions where McCain decided against his alleged girl-toy’s clients.
But in my mind that’s not the point. A Senator running for President was getting his knob polished by the painted red lips of Christian PAX-TV’s lobbyist. How is that less a betrayal of the public trust than if he had taken money from a lobbyist? Heck, if there is one thing political history has taught us, men all over the fruited plain are happy to exchange influence for making the beast with two backs on a daily basis, how is this any different?