Divorce: When Is It Time to Throw In the Towel?
My redhead and I have been talking about divorce.
[I considered just letting that last statement stand to see what you guys would say, but them someone would end up in tears and I would have then had to apologize…so I will explain.]
Now we are not CONTEMPLATING divorce, just talking about the topic.
We have a number of couples in their 40’s and 50’s who have been married for 20+ years who are miserable.
I don’t mean “he’s” miserable or “she’s” miserable, I mean they are both miserable in their relationship and have been for some years. They all have kids and, like I said, have been married for umpteen years.
They try everything they can NOT to be together. They argue. They can’t agree on any sense of direction or goal for their lives or their children.
In case you’re wondering: In several cases they are still having sex, though it isn’t very frequent. You’ve heard of “friends with benefits”? They’re more like “enemies with benefits”.
So my redhead and I have been talking amongst ourselves about whether dropping the “D-bomb” might make everyone–even their kids–happier.
But then the “what if” kicks in and we start wondering, “what if” it just seems to them they haven’t been happy with their partner in years? What if this is a stage in their marriage and if they bail now they will regret it?
So what’s your input…what factors would you think are important in choosing whether or not divorce is a beneficial thing?
Oh, and for the Bible thumpers, here are a couple of verses from the mouth of G to the D:
Malachi 2:16
“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel
Jeremiah 3:8
I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce.
Living in pain is no way to spend these few years that we have. I’m divorced (small children): he was hurting me every single day (and I don’t mean the good kind of hurt) — no, not abuse: soul-crushing pain.
Why put up with that?
My parents divorced when I was seventeen — they ought to have years earlier: would have saved us kids years of grief.
What if they don’t bail now, and in another ten or twenty years look back and realized they missed out on … everything, by forcing themselves to stay?
While my thoughts on divorce are already on record, let me just reiterate in brief.
Divorce is the best decision my first wife and I ever made regarding our marriage. As you know, my first wife also happens to be my second (and current) wife. Our kids concur whole-heartedly.
So when? The time to divorce comes before you hurt each other beyond rescue of your friendship. Before resentment overcomes the possibility of reconciliation, whether or not a marital reconciliation ever occurs. If you look at your partner and say, “there is no possible way, under any circumstances, that I would marry this person again, you’ve waited too long.
Beth,
Thanks for coming by and for your input. I don’t think any kind of abuse–mental or physical–should ever be tolerated either.
Lou,
I think most of my friends are already beyond this point.
I’m sorry to hear that, Kevin.
That being the case, they should call it quits, I think.
Whether you should suggest that to them is another matter entirely.
I was coming back to touch on the same thing Lou did, in his final line. When you mention dropping the D-bomb, do you mean you’re thinking of saying something?
It’s unlikely that any of them — individually, or coupled — isn’t aware of the divorce option. If I had a *very* close friend who was in a marriage such as the ones you describe, and was herself or himself bringing up the topic, I would murmur appropriately supportive things. Perhaps even suggestive (of divorce) things. But otherwise? Not really my business, is it? Unless, again, it’s a very close friend and I know it would be okay to bring it up: i.e. ’so, how are things with you and the mr/mrs these days?’
Kendra had one of her friends ask her about it this week. They are very good friends and have been for 15 years or so.
Yes, her friend is aware of the divorce option, but sees problems with it everywhere. Thus, the discussion.
There have been many issues in the past where we have supported our friends in a decision when others have shamed them.
We just want to be sure we aren’t missing some obvious problem in encouraging someone to go ahead and pursue their own path of happiness.
Well, that’s just it, isn’t it? We can’t ever know, beforehand, what we will create from our choices. I think for many, it’s simply a matter of exchanging one set of challenges — a deeply unhappy marriage; for another — issues of child custody and money, usually.
Either way, it means living with a divided heart. And it’s never easy, only, perhaps … worth it.
I wish your friends the best. It’s a hard road, but there’s no shame it walking it. Sometimes, it’s the only road that’s possible to take, and still feel alive.
I was listening to Dennis Prager not too long ago and he did an hour devoted to whether parents should stay married for the sake of the kids. The anecdotal evidence weighed heavily in favor of divorce INSTEAD of staying married. Most the the kids who called in were bitter about their parents actions and had questions about their entire childhood (i.e. was it all a fraud?).
WOW, nice little set up you have here Kev V Kev.. I’ll BR ya, of course.. I’m proud of ya man.. Sniff sniff.. Well atleast I know you didn’t croak on me, now.. It been so long, what are the boys grown and married?, you a Grand PAPPI yet.. HUH.. well well are ya
? lol
Back to the topic, My folks divorced when I was young(handsome young i was, btw). I think they pulled out at the right moment. Love was gone, emotion was out, and thigns were getting abusive..
Hey, Kev, how do you expect to make a living at this if you never post? My ad-clicking motivation is fading, man.
Y’know Kevin,
Abyssal sort of has a point here.
a month late in the discussion: I believe divorce should be a last resort when all other options have failed. I also think the cliche about people growing apart as they grow up, especially if the marry very young, can be painfully true. And when two people become strangers who have nothing in common and no interest in getting to know the person their spouse has become, what other option do they have? I see no honor in celebrating a 60th wedding anniversary when 35 of those years have been pure hell.
Happy birthday, Kevin.
I hope it’s a great one, spent well with your redhead.
P.S. It’s also my wife’s birthday, in a huge cosmic coincidence.
HBD–Sounds like an STD right.. I hope it’s a good one..
John,
Based on what I am seeing here and elsewhere I’ll bet the anecdotal evidence is probably right on.
Justin,
My oldest just got engaged.
Aby and Lou,
Still working on it. I seem to have a tough time writing funny for money. It’s a mental thing. This week I’ve put up a couple posts that will show up later in the week to supply you with entertainment. Play the tune and I’ll do my monkey dance.
Scout,
Thanks for visiting.
Just staying married isn’t an indication of marital bliss–it might just be a measure of pain tolerance. My redhead and I got married at 19, but we also were best friends before then and continued that afterwords. Plus, have you seen her? Man, who wouldn’t love that?